I wanted to go on vacation, so I lied. I was in junior high at the time, and my best friend was allowed to take one friend with her on vacation. However, there was one condition: she wanted to bungee jump with whomever joined her on the trip. And so began the lie. I convinced her that not only was I up for it, but I was totally excited about it. I wasn’t. I wasn’t up for it. I wasn’t excited about it. I wasn’t planning on actually going through with it.
We packed our bags and headed to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. The trip was a blast! I almost forgot about my promise to plunge to my death...until we pulled up to the amusement park and I saw the tower. We went inside, paid, and listened intently to instructions. I still had no intention of going through with it. A kid that was barely old enough to have a job began to strap us in the harnesses. So my life was in his hands? Great. Time to develop an exit strategy. I decided I would continue to play along until my friend jumped, and then I would chicken out.
As I made my way up the stairs toward the platform, I thought the plan was perfect...until the guy at the top wouldn’t let me back out. He said that there was a point of no return and I had passed it. I stood on the edge of that platform and peeked over the edge. I was scared to death. I counted to three, but couldn’t bring myself to step off the platform. The longer I waited the more scared I became. Finally, the impatient employee said if I didn’t go he would push me. Is that even allowed? I counted to three one last time, and wanting this to be on my own terms, I finally took the leap!
So, here I am again: not sure if I am up for it. Not sure if I am excited about it. Not sure I was ever actually planning on going through with this crazy plan to live on a boat. But, it’s too late now; I’ve passed the point of no return. Regardless how scared I am, how long this takes, or how many obstacles stand in our way, I must take this leap. Most days I feel like I am at the edge of the platform peeking over, ready to jump, but scared to death. This process is taking longer than expected because the boat needed more work than anyone had guessed, and the longer I wait the more anxious I become. So, they continue to reskin the pontoons, weld, sand, paint, and prepare. Meanwhile, we are staying at my sister’s home. I am so grateful they opened up their home to us, but I am certain my brother-in-law can only handle living in a home with eight people and three dogs for so long before he takes a leap!
As I am writing this blog, I realize the most frustrating part of the process is having no control over the timeline. I want this to be on my terms. Sure, I told God I would go, but at the end of the day I want to decide what that looks like. Unfortunately for me, that is not what defines true surrender. So, I am all strapped in ready to go, but instead of continually peeking over the edge and fearing the future, I will try to keep my eyes on Jesus and wait for Him!